What is a true community? How will ours be defined?

I’m learning several things at once: speaking, marketing, and community building. The mission is becoming clearer: reduce social isolation by building a community that cares for one another—a place that provides a refuge for people.

A major shift happened once we began hosting events consistently.

I used to think the “product” was an event, and focused all my attention on event design, but the real product is the community itself. It's only by many of us coming together that we can create something of value for people.

Two things more productive than fixating on the message

I’ve also tended to focus on crafting the perfect message (talk). But evidence from multiple angles shows that other aspects of what we do are far more powerful. For one, most of human communication is nonverbal (Mehrabian’s rule).1 So how you speak and present yourself in terms of tone and body language often convey much more than what you say.

I know from reading many public speaking books that passion/conviction in ones voice almost always outweighs carefully crafted arguments. This led me toward a totally different process of preparing talks where I select topics based on what I feel most convinced of. Now, I spend less time writing perfect sentences and putting them in precise orders, and more time filtering ideas and tossing them into an outline. This has been a game-changer for my speaking.

Secondly, research in the science of belonging shows that participation in an activity or social context can have a much bigger behavioral impact than listening to a talk. Listening to a message is a central activity that we do, and powerful talks can change you. But the most powerful agent of change is taking some form of action yourself. Simply being in an environment where people share certain values causes you to absorb those values by osmosis. And that drives behavior change too.2

A community is defined by its values, interests, identities

I had previously recognized the importance of having community values that promote connection and belonging. But I’ve now learned, from The Art of Community by Charles Vogl, that a community is actually defined by these shared values, interests, and identities.

A community is not simply a group of people that meet. It gives members an identity, beliefs/values, and a way to participate in a shared interest. Toastmasters centers on improving public speaking; its members are implicitly “toast-masters.” A tea club centers on tea appreciation; its members are “tea connoisseurs.” Faith-driven entrepreneurs grow in their faith and entrepreneurship, and they carry both these identities. People gain a sense of belonging when they recognize a part of themselves in the group.

That raises an important question for us: how do we invite people in without defining them by the problem we want to solve?

I’ve realized that leading with loneliness will never be effective. No one wants to identify as lonely. I was at a church service one time where the pastor asked “anyone feeling lost or alone” to raise their hand so we could pray for you. I didn’t see a single hand go up. Nor was I enthusiastic about raising mine.

Instead, many communities offer what is called aspirational identity: they frame members by what they value or aspire toward. Once you notice this pattern, you’ll see it everywhere, even in how a company frames it’s clientele. A gym is not for “fat/weak people”; it is for “athletes” and “people who care about fitness and health.” Girl Scouts is not for timid girls (even though this is a problem they help solve at some level); it’s for “Girl Scouts.” Toast masters is not for people who struggle with speaking (even though, as a member myself, this is often the case). It’s for people growing their public speaking abilities. The identity must be positive and even honorable.

None of the identities that communities ascribe to their members are the problem they are trying to solve.

So instead of centering the community on isolation, or even connection, we should center it on growth, learning, communication, and care. Loneliness can be addressed indirectly by creating the right environment, not by making the problem the headline.

How will our community be defined?

I’m also realizing I don’t need to invent a perfect formula for solving loneliness. I was asking myself: What are the best values, activities, and topics to focus on that might help fix things. But thinking this way leads me to a vast open field of endless possible solutions and no clear answers. The truth is that no one knows the answer; it’s an extremely complex issue. Thankfully, communities already address it in many different ways. I’ve discovered that a better question is: What do I value? What am I passionate about? What would I keep showing up for?

One answer is learning. I believe almost anything can be learned, including communication, social skills, and spiritual formation. All of these empower individuals in ways that lead to more success, connection, and care. (That is another key feature of strong communities—they help people better themselves in some way). But learning is reinforced when we do it together. Therefore, discussing the ideas and sharing our experiences is the second component. Learning and discussion comprise the basic structure of our events.

Another important shift: connection is not the end goal. Connection is the pathway. The deeper goal is a community where people care for one another. In fact, that is exactly how Charles Vogl defines a community in his book:

a group of individuals who share a mutual concern for one another’s welfare.

A single event can create a moment of connection, but care requires something more lasting.

That goal underpins our event structure. It combines an educational component with structured interaction. We value learning, and we use intentional conversation to help people connect. That connection can then become the pathway to care.

In contrast, the vast majority events put people into a box and say “have at it.” While there is nothing wrong with this, I believe we can benefit from something more in the modern age. Many technological forces try to pull us apart, and to me, it makes sense that we might need to counteract it somehow.

So the community I’m trying to define is this:

We are a community of people who love learning and discussing ideas that improve our lives, especially in communication, relationships, social skills, and spiritual formation, so we can connect with and serve others better.

1 Mehrabian’s rule is often misinterpreted. The original study showed that of 7% of communication was verbal within a certain very specific context: when a speaker's words and facial expressions or tone are contradictory, and the topic is solely about their feelings or attitudes. While 38% came from tone of voice and 55% from body language.

2 This novel route of transformation is called “social intervention.” In contrast is behavioral intervention, which seeks to modify behavior, and psychological and spiritual intervention, which change one’s beliefs, mindset, or connection with God.