The Real Solution to social isolation requires heart change
Defining a core piece of my framework for bringing people together
The Problem | Our solution
Loneliness is a complex social problem, similar to homelessness. People lack resources—in this case, human connection+love—for any number of reasons. And the systemic-level causes are multiple and interdependent. For this reason, I don’t believe there is one clear solution. My 7+ years studying so-called “complex systems” has shown me that these systems are exceedingly difficult for to predict, much less steer.
But, that doesn’t mean we can’t improve things.
My mission isn’t focused on changing the structures of society—things like urban planning, government policies, or the number of third spaces. (Not that these can’t help). I work at the level of individuals. If people don’t change in their mind and behavior, it’s hard to imagine a world where the problem gets any better.
I believe the most direct way to fight loneliness is to enrich people with mindsets, habits, and identities that change how they treat people. We must become people who look out for, support, acknowledge, and actually care for each other. That’s what most powerfully reduces loneliness—making people feel seen and cared for.
Think about a time when you felt isolated or lonely. Did you feel seen or that people understood you in that moment? Did you feel like you had people who cared close by, people you could rely on or call for help? Loneliness is not just a lack of connection, it’s the feeling of not having people that care.
How to do it? Four Forms of Intervention
To understand how we might change social behavior, it helps to group therapeutic approaches into four key categories. I believe all are powerful and I use all of them.
Behavioral intervention: Tries to shift outward behavior directly. These are often practical behavioral prescriptions: “Do [this] in situation xyz.”
Psychological intervention: Tries to shift beliefs, mindsets, personal narratives, and knowledge.
Social intervention: Engages people in certain social activities or contexts. There is much evidence that participation in certain social contexts draws out and can impact behavior long term.
Spiritual intervention: Improves awareness of and connection with God.
Behavior, beliefs, and identity are linked
At some level, there always needs to be a behavioral change. But behavior is the end result of a sequence. For example, one’s beliefs, personality, current mental/emotional state, habits, and the social environment all affect their behavior downstream. This is why the other (non-behavioral) forms of intervention exist.
Belief change, for example, is essential. Having the right beliefs about oneself and others strongly impact our choices to connect. A change in belief can come from hearing a piece of evidence, often a story. The new belief shapes one’s behavior immediately.
Repeated behaviors then become habits. Habits, or the things we do consistently, then shape our identity. For e.g., I didn’t feel like a “writer” until I began writing YouTube scripts and articles weekly. Ditto for being a “YouTuber.”
Can you think of an example in your own life?
Our identity, how we see ourselves, is more plastic than most realize. It’s constantly updating itself based on what we do.
Our identity, in turn, shapes our behavioral choices. If you believe you are someone who cares about frugality, you will act consistently with that identity. If you believe you are a shy person, you will most often act that way. If you identify as someone who cares about fitness, you’ll prioritize going to the gym.
Therefore, to get any consistent behavior change, you ultimately end up shifting your beliefs and identity (even just a little). My work is, at some level, about healing people through an identity change. We must identify as someone who 1) values people, and 2) is valuable.
Why the Heart Matters
There are many ways people try to produce this deep level of transformation, and in my work, I combine them. I do direct behavioral interventions—it’s obvious, practical, fun, and very actionable, which is why people love it. This means teaching social and communication skills.
But I’ve found that it’s not enough to focus only on outward behavior. To get real, positive, sustainable changes, we must address what’s going on inside—the heart. The heart is how you genuinely feel about people inside and your motives for action.
Your heart matters tremendously because your outward behavior almost always reflects your internal feelings and attitudes. As Jesus famously said,
What you say flows from what is in your heart. -Luke 6:45
In my opinion, the best route to this is spiritual intervention, though other approaches exist.
Heart change matters because so few doing it. I don’t see many leaders talk about how to do it—or even acknowledge that it needs to happen.
Part of heart change is releasing selfishness, pride, the pursuit of your own glory, and instead contributing to something greater than yourself, serving others. Another part of it is gratitude. I still have many unanswered questions about how to frame it for audiences.
But one thing I do know: forcing yourself into a different behavior will never be enough. It won’t be authentic. You have to address the root—your motives and your heart. People don’t always like talking about this, but we must. That’s the most powerful pathway of change.
The bottom line: to fight isolation and improve the sense of belonging in organizations, we must build a community of people who care. And to do that requires positive heart change. In The Art of Community, Charles Vogl describes community as “a group sharing a mutual concern for each other.” That’s what we are building.
